Mar Bear- i remember when we started calling you that, and you'd call me Ambi Bambi. I miss you. Words can not express the grief i am feeling. I don't understand. I have dealth with death before, but suicide...how am i supposed to do this!?

Mary Sue Faust

Mary was my first friend when we moved in 5th grade. We would go to recess everyday together. After that we became inseparable. I don't think i could have made it through my move or junior high without her. We spent almost every day together. She saw me through my darkest times. She always tried to convince my parents to get me a puppy, and a cell phone. It never worked! Each summer we would go up to her cottage every weekend. We would lay out on the roof, go tubing on the lake with her neighbor, go jet skiing, take a ride around the lake on the pontoon, and go canoeing all the time. We would canoe across the lake to get Dairy Queen. The memories go on and on! She became apart of my family and i of hers. When we got to high school though things started to change. We grew up, and we grew apart. Freshman year was okay but as the years went on it was harder and harder. Mary wanted to graduate a whole year early so she got so busy we just didn't have time anymore.
I know wish I had made time. My serior year we reconnected. She wanted to go to prom with all of her friends so her boyfriend was my date and mary was our friend, Kayla's, date. One night she came over to give me the money. I was so nervous to see her, we hadn't talked at all in a year. She walked in and spilled everything to me. She told me how her parents had split up and her dad had gone crazy, how she had been diagnosed with bi-polar are a suicide attempt, she had started to drink, smoke, and use sex to cover all the pain. March of 2009 she attempted suicide again. I could not believe what my ears were telling me. This was not the friend i had once known. God laid her in my heart in such a heavy way. I knew He had brought her back to me for a reason. I started to pray and asked others around me to pray and to keep me accountable for checking up on her. She started to open up to me about everything.


Saturday, February 13, 2010 is a day i will never forget. It is the day i got the phone call informing me that my best friend, Mary, had killed herself the night before. I had just had the day of a lifetime and on the way home from Branson, in a car filled with my girls, i broke.
Since that night I do not know how to feel or what to do. I am completely numb. I'm mad at God, but i'm not. I'm mad at Mary but i can't be. What am i supposed to do...

R.I.P. 02/12/10♥

Today I found out that one of my best friends, Mary Sue Faust, died last night. Not only did she die, she committed suicide. This 18 year old girl jumped in front of a semi on i80. I don't know how to react to this...I am living right now in a haze. Not knowing what i am doing or feeling. I have honestly never cried so hard in my life. I have never felt so numb. How are you supposed to deal with a friend taking her own life.
God...i do NOT understand...at all!!!!!

R.i.P. Mary Sue 02/12/10
Always and Forever♥

"If you're a Christian, would you please notify your face?"

As i was spending time with Jesus tonight, I cam across this quote in my book i was reading. I didn't read very far past it because it so strongly jumped out at me. "If you're a Christian, would you please notify your face?" How true is this? We who claim to live a life for God are often the one's who are complaining and making a bigger deal out of the small stuff then those of the world can at times. I know i am guilty of this, many many times!! But as i step back to think about this statement, how sad is that! I live my life for God and yet the simple look on my face does not show that. God is walking beside me daily. God's love is always present in my life. My worst day should still be filled with joy because the God of the universe loves ME!
There is a verse that i want to use here, but i can not think of it for the LIFE of me!!

God pursues us, loves us, he sent his son to on a cross for us and if that alone isn't cause enough to put a smile on my face daily and live in the joy and hope that God gives, i do not know what reason a person will need. Though trails and temptations will come I am living for a God "who will never leave me nor forsake me".
How am i ever going to show God's love to the world, if i can't go into the world and show them that love, peace, joy, and hope?!

This is the challenge to myself; Smile, all the time! Whether it's the "worst" day of my life or not. God has given me life in that day, and a chance to reach the world. maybe all i can do that day is smile, but at least it's something.

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with ALL your heart."

this is the verse i am living for right now!

Where are you God?

It seems like whenever I make a decision to grow in my relationship with God the exact opposite happens. Why is this? I do not understand. A week ago all i wanted was to grow closer to God and deepen my relationship with Him. and now, to be completely honest and transparent(is that the right word), this is the exact thing i am not doing, and at the moment have no desire to do.
I know He has not left me, i know if i were to reach out He would be, is, right there. And if i know this why am i not doing so? I have been reading my bible, and spending serious time with God but....nothing not anymore..."If you seek Me, you will find Me" well how come whenever i seek You, i never seem to find you.

Also, my mother talked to a doctor this week, explained different issues and symptoms i have been having (for the past year and a half) and he thinks my ovaries are shutting down, along with some other stuff. That is exactly what an 18 year old girl wants to hear. I am flying home the third weekend in Feb. to go see him. Please keep that in prayer.

Back on campus.

That's right i'm back at Evangel. It's so weird being back here. I don't know how i feel about this yet...i love the friend's i have made here and would not exchange them for the world, but this isn't home....not anymore. I applied to Olivet a couple of days ago and i plan on applying to a couple more colleges around home in this next month.

On Sunday Stone had a guest speaker, Robert Madu- I think that's his name, and he was great!! I've heard him speak at Convention before. He was GREAT then and he was GREAT Sunday! His message really went along with my goals for the new year!

For this upcoming semester i have bought three major books i want to read through and other smaller books. I have totally blanked on the titles but i will be sure to blog about them at some point! I am still waiting for them to arrive here on campus.

For the first time in my life I want to be dedicated and stick to all my plans/goals. In other areas of my life i can find dedication but when it comes to my own personal goals i can never find that dedication/ strength to keep going day after day. It is time to change and start a new chapter in my life.

o i thought of a third goal.

goal #3: attain to get straights a's. If i strive to get straight and don't reach that goal i should still land pretty close and be very proud of myself.

As a side note i wanted to let everyone know that Reichert is going to be my made of honor when i get married!! :)

2010

This is going to be a year to beat all years! I was beyond ready for 2009 to be over! It had not been an easy year at all. Some good did come of it but i am ready for a fresh start. I want to start writing again, but i want to have some sort of purpose behind my writing. I still have to figure that part out!

This next year i am fully dedicating my life to God, to become the best person i can. I want to have two or three main goals for this next year.

Goal One: Reach a deeper level with God.
This year i would like to read the bible through. (is that right? i don't think so) I would like to read the whole bible. I am not satisfied where I am with God right now so i am going to take my relationship with God in my own hands and draw closer. With this i am going to cut out distractions, especially my biggest distraction...guys! For the next 9 months or so i will not date, pursue, or allow any guy to pursue me. Guys have been a huge distraction my whole life so its about time they are put aside so that God can become my true number one. and on top of that when this dating hiatus is over before i get involved with any guy i will bring it to God. I will not date just anyone, i have to get the go ahead from God first. It's about time i listen to Proverbs 4:23, i am sick of getting my heart broken.

Goal Two: Get into shape.
It isn't that hard, i just need to get out of bed every once in a while. Evangel has a FREE workout place plus i want to get a workout DVD and a mat for my room before i go back. How am i supposed to serve God my best if i possibly can not do everything possible.

I might add another goal later, but i don't know right now. i'm too tired!