The tears haven't come yet, but i know they will. I think i'm still numb. Still in shock. It's only been two weeks since you took it from me, something i wanted to keep until the time was right. You took advantage of a situation. and now i haven't even heard from you. That's okay though. It just shows what kind of person you are. I'm better off without you. They've been telling me that for months, but i guess i had to learn the hard way. I wish i had listened to the various people's advise but i didn't. Now all i can do is turn to God and He will heal and put back together what you broke. I'm not going to hate you, that isn't right even though that is probablly what you deserve. I'm going to forgive you, and move on with my life. i wont get over this for a long time, but God is my stregnth and He will carry me through this. I hope to never see you again, i don't want to see your face ever again. i don't want to hear your voice ever again. I pray to God that the memory will leave soon. You did it, you broke me. But i wont be broken for long. God will heal me and send more people into my life to help pick up the pieces.

This past week has been very long. I made a choice that i can't take back, and it will forever shape who i am becoming. Part of me wishes i could take it back, but i know i can't so i just have to keep moving forward. Right now is when i need God's grace, mercy and love the most.

I am going to start trying to post daily. This probably wont happen but hey a girl can try right?! :)

I have graduated high school. This is something I have been looking forward to since day one of freshman year. Now that its here, I don't want to run back to the security of the hallways of Victor J Andrew, and i do not want to run forward into the unknown abyss of Evangel either, I just want to stay here forever; not a high school student, but not an adult yet either. Still at home with everyone I care about. Over the past four years I have had the honor to meet some pretty incredible people and have some of the best leaders and pastors any girl could ask for. Honestly I do not want to leave them. Friends have become family, and my leaders are people that have modeled lives that have molded who i have become, and who i am becoming. I have been surrounded by love, friendship, understanding, and security. I mean come on, what girl would want to leave that. I have been beyond fortunate.

Haven't been on this thing in a while.....

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.
After Winter Retreat i realized that my relationship with God had been put on the back burner in my life. I was so busy with everything/everyone else in my life that i didn't put any time into my relationship with God. At retreat God opened my eyes to alot of different issues going on in my life. One was that my adoption isn't who i am. I am a child of God. I am HIS daughter, and that is all that matters. another was i put to much into my relationship with Ethan. i made him my WORLD. i would go to Ethan instead of relying on God. and that is really where i tripped up these past few months. I LOVE God, with everything in me, but i didn't trust Him. Part of it was any time i really loved or cared about someone they left, and how would i know God wouldn't leave. I mean i know He never would, but that's not how my mind and heart saw it. I have felt abandoned by so many people, i couldn't take it if i felt abounded by God. Bethany told me at this anaolgy at Retreat.
When you cut your finger they say you aren't supposed to put a band-aid on it right away so it can start healing, and my heart is the same way, expect i would just always put the band-aid on right away. not giving it time to heal. so that it didn't hurt anymore. It's time to take that band-aid off and to let God heal my heart. To make me complete in Him.
I always thought i needed it have it all together and i realize i don't. I just have to keep going to God through all of this. and ask for prayer.
During levio devina at Retreat we read Romans 12:1-8 but verse 2 is what stuck out to me
"but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
I need to be transformed through God.
For once in my life i'm not going to fall apart, i'm going to fall together.

Help!

It is finally official i am sick! I have a fever. I can not eat anything!
It makes me feel even worse. I am light headed, and weak. Sleeping
constantly. and just plain feel like death! I took today off, and hopefully
will convince my mother to let me stay home tomorrow, i really feel
that awful! so much for Open Gym on Friday, or maybe even Youth on
Wednesday! I hate being sick. I try to put it off for as long as possible.

Okay now that i am done complaining about being sick. haha

As most people know I have been dating this guy, Ethan. I have known him for...i don't even know how long, he has always just been there. Well over summer things got really weird between us and once school started it didn't get any better. One thing, he NEVER came to visit me!! I get that i could have gone to him, but its his job to do it first! that is just one of many things that had bothered me. After taking many breaks, finally in October i ended things, permanently. After that we didn't talk until December. and when we were talking it was just talking, not o i want to get back together talk, because i so did not, even though Ethan made it pretty obvious that was what was on his mind.
I do not know what happened but honestly i woke up one day, and just stopped caring about him. Well i still care about him as a person, but nothing more then that. I do not see any future with us, and i don't want to. I haven't been able to tell him this because of how he has been acting. He tells me i am the only person he lets in, or I'm the only one he talks to. He couldn't make it without me. and that makes me REALLY uncomfortable! i don't want to be really anything to him, other then that crazy girl from IL. I told him that he can not come down and visit me now, that he missed his chance, and he got angry at me. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but i can't keep going on like this. I have moved on, quit literally. I just do not know how to explain all of this to him, and not hurt his feelings.

Tiredness/Feed my Starving Children

I can not even explain to you the amount of exhaustion i have been
experiencing recently. and i could not even explain to you why.
i am sleeping, A LOT! but i always still seem to be tired.
My dad make fun of me for it all the time. "when i was a teenager
i never needed sleep."
My headaches are back and so is my back pain. I'm not angry
at God, but I thought it was all gone! I had a good period of
time there where my back did not hurt. I could live a "normal"
life of not having my back hurt to the extent of not even being
able to find one position, sitting or laying, that did not hurt.
We went to Feed My Starving Children on Monday and I was
seemingly okay that whole time we were there, and even at the
mall my back did not hurt, but when we were on the way home,
on the bus, o my goodness!! I could not sit down, or stand up,
or do anything that would make the pain stop! It was horrible!

but Feed My Starving Children was amazing! We went of Monday,
our day off, and we served people. It was so rewarding. Being able
to make a difference in a family, or child's life is so wonderful to me!
It was so amazing to me that so many young people came out! We even
had to turn some of the youth away because we could only take so
many people. That fact alone shows that this generation has so much
potential!
We got there ten minutes early, and had to sign in, where they proceeded to
give us all hair nets. I was very impressed, we only had mild complaining from
the girls on that one. On the way in the joke was that i was only there for the guys.
Well, when we were all sitting down a group of guys walked in and everyone was like
"Amber, there are your guys" and OF COURSE they heard it...can i say embarrassing!!??
We sat through a presentation on what we were doing, and the cause behind it.
We were then off to the work room. They gave us a demonstration, and during it Lonna
got my attention and said i should be standing on the other side, i didn't get it, and then she
pointed out that that was were the guys were!! So me, being well me went over there just for the kicks. Reichert and i started off with putting stickers on bags, while the rest of the group bagged food. They had to make up cheers to get refills or bags, or boxes and any time it was Stone Church
people Reichert and i would look at each other and just laugh. They were the loudest
group in there! SHOCKING i know! lol Finally Reichert and i made our way into the food area!
It was fun there! Especially since there were more people! But Lonna allowed me to seal the bags, after the food was put in them. All you have to do is place the bag on this machine and press down,
not that hard right? Well i didn't think so either, so i was going at it, doing a good job. I would
seal the bag and then throw it onto the table to be boxed. I was going about that when all
of a sudden i see the contents of a bag all over the table...GREAT i screwed one up.
it was bad, we just cleared it off and refilled it a little. Well i did this another 2 times.
man did i feel stupid!! lol
But we were finally done and it was time to pray over the food then go back for a final good-bye meeting. Where basically they ask for money. Well when everyone was still coming in to the good-bye meeting, someone was talking to those "guy's" pastor, well we found out that they are from Minnesota! Are you serious?!?! that is so unfair!! becuase one of those guys was pretty cute, if
i do say so myself!! Lol
We were done and walking back to the bus and i commented on how cute that guy was, but it was a bummer that he lived in Minnesota, and P.erik in all of his niceness said back "well the long distance thing is YOUR thing!" haha funny P. Erik.
Then we went to the mall. and that brings us full circle to the ride home where my back hurt!

wow this one was long!! Sorry!

So i am in Colleg Prep writting class right now, and apparently i can get onto blogger.
i tried to get onto Twitter, but it took forever to load, so i quit! lol
i guess i should update this thing a little more about what's going on.

In CPW (college prep writting) we are writting a narative about our lives.
One life changing event. and although i wanted to write about all these different things,
the only thing i found myself writting about was Cassie's death.
I don't want to dwell on that though. it is in God's hands and I can't
really change anything, so....

I started off the year of 2009 with a week of prayer and fasting.
and although it was hard, well the fasting part. it was rewarding.
I could feel God on a daily basis, and felt that changes He is making.
I ended my week of fasting by going to Giordano's pizza! thank you lonna!
This year i am making it appoint to get closer to God. I am not going to sit
and wait for God, and not do anything i am going to get off my butt and chase
after Him like i have never chased after anything in my life.

This next year is going to be very interesting. A chapter of my life is going
to be closing, but a whole new one is going to be opened up to me.
Gradauting from high school is the one that i have been talking
about since my first day freshman year, and now it is right around
the corner. Although i can not wait to leave i am scared. High school
is sceure. and now i am jumping out into a whole world of unsecure things.

This year i hope to:

• read the whole bible through.
• fix the relationship with my mother
• go to a deeper place with God
• move on from past relationships
• write a letter to everyone who has made a difference in my life
• come to better terms with being adopted (i have come a long way, but that journey is still not over)

yeah i think that is it.