Moving On

Last Wednesday Pastor Erik after he spoke let the mic open for the youth to "confess" or tell the youth something about us that we need to get out on the open, most of us went up there to ask the youth to prayer for something specific in our lives, and i guess to confess something we are dealing with.
I had kept putting off going up there, it wasn't mandatory but i felt the Holy Spirit keeping pushing me to go up there. At one point i stood up and pastor Erik saw me but then i just sat on the bench near me. Finally, i got the nerves to go up there. My heart was beating out of my chest and my hands were shaking. I picked up the mic and just started talking. i hadn't prepared anything, all i knew was i had to walk up there and start talking.
the words started coming, i was talking about my past. how i've been hurt by people alot in my life. and although i have said i have gotten over it i really haven't and it has servilely kept me from getting closer to God. And how i am going off to college next year and i can't live my life with all of my past hurts. and asked them to pray for me!

I had two of my amazing leaders, Bethany and Lonna, talk to me afterward. Both spoke words i needed to hear. Bethany told me its time to let go. The devil has taken 17 years of my life, no more.
Lonna, told me that even though i have been hurt, i have hurt others and need to mend those relationships. and she was right.
i just don't have to get over what has been done to me, i also have to ask for forgiveness from others.
Lonna also said i need to hold on to God with everything in me. GO after Him like i never had before.

Since last Wednesday i don't feel like the same person. I have been reading my bible. Praying. I have asked for forgiveness from the people that i had hurt. I have been going to God first.
My life isn't the same as it was a week ago. I am not letting the Devil control my life anymore. I am trusting my God, and Savior with my life. all of it. And i am able to live with a peace and a joy that is amazing.
I am not worrying about my future for it is in His hands. My relationship with others has improved . I am doing, what i have always wanted to do, but never honestly thought i could.
God is becoming the center of my life. and i never thought it would be THIS amazing!!

This path that i have gone on isn't over and i will not say it is. I have a long way to go. and it wont always be this easy. but i know God will give my the dedication to keep up with my Bible reading, and i have leaders and other students to keep me accountable. and not just with reading the bible. but with keeping my faith in God to keep going, and to keep Him the center of my life.
I am not going to say this is a whole new me, becuase it isn't.
This is just me, trying to figure out my life, with God truly completely it.

Life isn't the movies

You make me feel invincible.
Like nothing can hurt me when you're around.
When I hear your voice my whole world
stops spinning, and everything just drifts away.
All the bad is gone, and all that is there is
your love. your voice. the security you give me.
So I didn't deal with anything.
All I knew was that I was okay.
Because I had you.
and for the past nine months i thought
that was all i needed.
I was wrong.
I can't just not deal with my life.
I can't stop living becuase there is a boy in my life.
I can't put aside my problems, so I can make sure
I'm there for you.
This life is like the movies.
Sometimes the people everyone thinks is supposed
to end up together, don't.

And when I first met you
I never would have imagined that
I would have such strong feelings for you
I never would have thought that
I would have dreams about you
or miss being by your side
or get butterflies in my stomach
when someone mentions your name.
When I first met you, I never would
have thought that I would love you.
Know that I know you, i would have never
thought that you could be like this.
I never thought you could have so easily
turned back into the person you once were.
or make me feel so bad
or get so defensive.
Now that I know you, and love you
I never thought that I could not love you.
I guess now, I have to prove myself wrong.

Memory?

She is scared to move even an inch.
Scared that everything might come crashing down.
She could never handle that, not again.
If she moved, even an inch she wouldn't know
What is to come.
Where she would go.
Who she would become.
But standing here, holding her world together
Is slowly killing her.
Realizing that the one thing that has kept her together
Could possibly be the one thing tearing her apart.
Has she waited all these years for nothing?
Are you going to be just another memory?

This might hurt/ It's not safe/ But I know that I've gotta make a change/ I don't care/ If I break/ At least I'll be feeling something/ 'Cause just ok/ Is not enough/ Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions/ I don't wanna go one more day/ Without Your all consuming passion inside of me/ I don't wanna spend my whole life/ asking/ What if I had given everything?/ Instead of going through the motions

No regrets/ Not this time/ I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind/ Let Your love
Make me whole/ I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
"The Motions" by Mathew West

I have listened to this song so many times, and i listen and hear the words but until now it has not sunk in. I have lived my life for God my whole life, but i haven't given Him my whole life. I haven't given Him my everything. I have said I have in the past but really i haven't. it's not easy, and it's not going to be easy, but certain events have happened in my life and i have experienced different events this summer and i seriously want to go to that next level with God. i do not want to be content anymore. i don't want to just go through the motions at church. I want to make a difference in this world for God. a real difference. I want to get to the point in my life where people don't have to know me to know i live my life for God.

I have this yearning inside of me. I want to know God, and be completely engulfed in Him SO bad! I want all of God i can get. It will never be enough. I wish you could feel this tug on my heart that just yearns for God, and His love and peace, and comfort. I want to be moving on a daily basis in His Holy Spirit. I want to have that connection.I want God to take me all the way!! I want my life to be more then the motions, or the right words. In the beginning of August i went to War Week which was a week long missions trip to Detroit, MI. We did so much there, but what i will never forget was during worship or prayer, or the service i could FEEL God, EVERYWHERE! i would go the bathroom, help one of my girls out no matter where we went, we could not escape it. It was AMAZING! We had about an hour prayer meeting every morning, the worship could have gone on forever. The Holy Spirit was there. i could feel Him moving, and changing lives. I went after God there like i never have before, and i don't want to lose that. Since i have gotten back and i have started to read my bible on more of a consistence basis. I have been praying daily, going to the prayer meetings at church. I want to get as much of God as i can. My heart feels like is going to explode. i have never wanted something more, and have been willing to go after something more then i am right now.

I don't know if this makes any sense. but i can feel something coming. I know that God wont let me down. As long as i keep seeking Him, and pushing to go further God will meet me here.
He is my everything. and i want so much more of Him!!!

I'm the one with two left feet,/ standing on a lonely street,/ I can't even walk a straight line./ And every time you look at me,/ I'm spinning like an autumn leaf,
Bound to hit bottom some time.
[bridge]
Where would I be without someone to save me,/ Someone who won't let me fall?
[chorus]
You are everything that I live for,/ Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me,/ With arms wide open, all I know
Is everyday is filled with hope/ 'Cause You are everything that I breathe for,
And I can't help but breathe You in, and breathe again,/Feeling all this life within, every single beat of my heart.

I'm the one with big mistakes, big regrets,/ And bigger breaks than I'd ever care to confess./ Ah, but You're the one who looks at me/ And sees what I was meant to be,/ More than just a beautiful mess.
[bridge]
[chorus]

You're everything good in my life,/ Everything honest and true./ And all of those stars hanging up in the sky/ Could never shine brighter than You.
"You are Everything" Matthew West